A quick quiz of your emotional intelligence in relationships

Emotional intelligence helps you establish strong relationships and deal with interpersonal problems. Find your emotional intelligence skill level by answering usually, sometimes, or rarely to the questions below:

Answering usually to most of the questions indicates that you have a good start toward emotionally intelligent communication in your relationships. If your answers were primarily sometimes or rarely, you may need some help developing your relationship skills.

How EQ helps relationships survive and thrive

"A god could hardly love and be wise." pronounced Publilius Syrus two thousand years ago. Syrus was wrong. We don't have to choose the wrong lovers, experience multiple failed marriages, or let the romance seep out of our long-term relationships. We don't have to let conflicting needs come between two people who love each other.  We don't have to resign ourselves to boredom or bickering in our love lives.

We have the potential to experience love based on deep intimacy and mutual kindness, commitment and soulful caring. But to find and keep this kind of love, we need to activate resources that inform and empower emotional intelligence. What are these resources?

Emotional Intelligence consists of four fundamental resources:

Emotional intelligence is composed of four recognized resources: self awareness, self-management, Social awareness and relationship management. How well do you engage each of these resources in your close relationships with friends and lovers?   

EQ resources in action in relationship
Self-awareness — the ability to recognize your emotions and their impact while using gut feelings to guide your decisions.	Can you tell, because of the way you feel, that someone you care about is keeping something from you? Can you rely on your internal feelings to alert you to problems with loved ones?
Emotional self-management — the ability to control your emotions and behavior and adapt to changing circumstances.	Can you stay focused and alert when someone you care about hurts or disappoints you? Can you stay calm enough to hear criticism about your behavior when it comes from someone you care about?
Social awareness — the ability to sense, understand, and react to the emotions of others and to feel comfortable socially	Can you tell when your joking or humor is not being well received by a person you care about?  Can you tell when what you are unintentionally irritating your friend or lover— and do you stop to apologize?
Relationship management — the ability to inspire, influence, and connect to others and to manage conflict.	Can you remain calm, energized and focused when someone you love is angry? Can you defuse conflict with humor or by listening convincingly to your loved one when they see things differently?

Self –awareness, self management, social awareness and relationship management often go unobserved in relationships because they don’t rely on words. The most important language of love and close relationships are almost entirely nonverbal and emotionally driven.  Unless you are familiar with nonverbal communication, you may miss what the people you care about are saying.

EQ in action helping love relationships stay on track

Let’s took more closely at emotional intelligence in close and intimate relationships:

Ted notices that Sharon's tone of voice has lost its warmth and realizes he doesn't remember the last thing she said. He has been so preoccupied he hasn't been listening to her! Looking chagrined and smiling apologetically, Ted leans forward, takes her hand, and looks directly into her eyes. She gives him a smile that says, "You're forgiven."  He sees her questioning look and answers straight from his heart.

Arlene notices her date is tapping his fingers and she is swinging her leg and foot. He looks bored, and she feels tense. Taking a long, deep breath, she feels her shoulders drop and her jaw relax. Arlene leans close, and smiles warmly. Her date smiles back and their eyes meet and hold.

Rosario's husband is withdrawn and depressed about the losing his job. Her heart breaks for him, but she knows that giving pity or advice isn't helpful. Instead, Rosario initiates long walks where she doesn't say much but encourages her husband to talk. Periodically, she takes his hand and smiles reassuringly. Soon her husband starts to act like his old self and begins job interviews.

Kevin has had an extremely stressful workday where anything that could go wrong did. All he wants to do is go to bed, but he remembers his wife had something important to discuss that evening. Recognizing he is too tense and exhausted for listening well, Kevin stops at the gym before heading home. His energy is restored and he later greets his wife with a broad smile and sincere look of interest.

Everyone misses a beat in significant relationships from time to time. But people with emotional intelligence recover through skills that foster self-awareness, emotionally self-management and sensitivity to others.   

Five key skills help build powerful and effective relationships

While every relationship is unique, five emotional intelligence skills are vitally important for building and maintaining healthy relationships. They originate in the attachment bond –the first relationship with our primary caretaker -- usually our mothers. When mothers are emotionally well and experience successful attachment relationships themselves, their infants learn these skills.

Not all attachment relationships are successful, even in loving homes. Individuals who experience confusing, frightening, or broken emotional communications during infancy often become adults who have difficulty understanding their own emotions and the feelings of others. Even so, the skills of successful attachment can be learned through a nonverbal communication process. It takes time and effort, but anyone who wants to raise his emotional intelligence can do so. Let’s examine each skill in operation:  

Relationship help skill 1: The ability to manage stress

Meet Janet who loved her mother, Dora, and needed her more than ever after her breast cancer diagnosis. Janet’s mother provided invaluable household help, and her devotion to the children enabled Janet to rest easy during chemotherapy. However, Janet’s illness made her face a long-standing problem with her mother.

Dora was bossy and interfering.  Janet felt her jaw stiffen, shoulders lift, voice rise, and breathing become shallow whenever Dora offered unsolicited advice about Janet’s household, her children and even her happy marriage.

Although Janet loved and was afraid of hurting her mother, she was more afraid of dying without confronting her. Janet focused on the love and appreciation she felt, while insisting that their relationship change. Although her mother was surprised, she listened and promised to restrain herself in the future. Janet discovered that just speaking up greatly relived her stress.

Relationship help skill 2: The ability to recognize and experience your emotions

Meet Pam who grew up in a family that had little interest in physical activity.  Because she was a frail and overprotected child, Pam was also discouraged from moving fast or playing hard.  She concentrated on intellectual pursuits: reading, studying, and observing others.

An attractive, intelligent woman, Pam experienced a string of casual relationships in her twenties and thirties. Eventually a health crisis helped Pam realize that she isolated herself from her emotions and made choices based on what she thought she should do –never on what she felt like doing.

Reconnecting to her feelings helped Pam understand she had never been in a physically or emotionally meaningful relationship.  At the age of forty–two, and for the first time, Pam fell head over heels in love with someone she had worked with for years –someone she greatly liked, but had overlooked because he had a lower ranking job. 

Relationship help skill 3: The ability to communicate nonverbally

Meet Carl who’s older sister Martha practically raised him. As children they were inseparable and as adults they continued to be close.  When Martha was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, Carl was devastated but treasured his relationship with his sister.  

In the early stages, when Martha still recognized Carl, he maintained closeness by playing their funny childhood games. Later, when Carl realized Martha didn’t immediately recognize him, he approached her slowly, with open hands, until she reached out. While Martha was still ambulatory, they spent time baking cookies or planting in the garden –simple activities that didn’t require conversation and brought her happiness.

When Martha could no longer stand or recognize Carl, he maintained their connection by avoiding things that frightened or startled Martha –like hugging. Shared music and favorite songs remained a source of mutual delight and joyous connection until the very end.

Relationship help skill 4: The ability to use humor and play in your relationships

Meet Rick who married Elaine, a beautiful, funny and warm hearted drama queen. Elaine often fools herself and others, but Rick defuses her antics with humor. Because he trusts his love and goodwill, when Elaine runs amok, Rick avoids criticism and comically feigns hysteria himself. Almost immediately, Elaine giggles and calms down.

Rick also uses playfulness to strengthen his relationship with Elaine in other ways. When she feels blue or out of sorts, Rick sends her funny email or text messages. His antics include grabbing Elaine and dancing her around until they are both out of breath with laughter. Elaine coos, “can’t help loving a man that makes me laugh.”

Relationship help skill 5: The ability to resolve conflicts in your relationships

Meet Travis who comes from a large, close family whom he enjoys visiting. His wife, Debby, is an only child who likes her surroundings ordered, peaceful and quiet. Travis would like nothing better than to join his family at their annual summer reunion, but Debby finds the boisterous crowd of relatives overwhelming.

Travis and Debby could easily deadlock over their vacation plans. Instead of assuming Debby dislikes his family, Travis listens attentively to her feelings and words. He doesn't try to second-guess her and accepts her need for quiet privacy.  When he agrees to spend half of their vacation alone, Debby’s anticipation helps her feel more relaxed around his family  

Once you have learned to manage stress and remain emotionally alert and aware, you can avoid overreacting or under-reacting in emotionally charged situations. And with the aid of nonverbal communication and humor you can overcome challenges and defuse many issues before they escalate into conflict. With the five key skills you can speak the language of emotional intelligence, enabling you to build and preserve close and intimate relationships that are meaningful and fulfilling.

EQ in Action

Bonus Articles